Just a Short Note

Two Sundays in a row I left the service thinking "has my Pastor been reading my prayer journal?" I realize this was a ridiculous thought, and not just because I don't have a prayer journal. But it caused me to wonder why I even find it surprising when my deepest struggles are addressed from the pulpit. God has not only ordained Pastors to speak truth to His people, He has also ordained every one of my struggles. And while my egocentric tendencies tend to interpret it as "I had this struggle so the Holy Spirit directed my Pastor to speak about it," the truth is God is much bigger than that. He isn't reactionary. He gave me the struggle to begin with, and He led me to this church where this pastor would, at the right point in time, give a sermon that related directly to my struggle. And truth be told, I probably wasn't the only one in the congregation that needed that sermon on that day. I'm pretty sure God is efficient like that.

Peace Through Unrest

I'm finding that the Christian life is one of extremes. I used to think mature Christians had to be at peace all the time. I believe now that those of us who are always at peace are either in denial or not mature at all. The more I learn about God and who he is, and who I am, the more heart wrenching moments I experience. My sin is more grievous--anyone's sin is more grievous now. Areas where my faith is lacking become much more obvious and much more painful as I grow in Christ. My burden for those who are lost becomes much more difficult to bear. Tears come much more readily at the thought of what Christ did for me. I wrestle with how utterly undeserving I am, and struggle with thoughts of why me and why not them?

But with the deeper pain comes deeper joy, as well. Every time I begin to despair, my Savior is so quick to comfort. When the grief becomes too much to bear, he lifts the burden. It is overwhelming to me when I think of all the times he has given me exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. There's a sense of anticipation now, when the road becomes difficult, of how he will provide. There's also a greater peace that comes as I go through the times of unrest. It's a peace that is much stronger, much more durable than ever before. A peace that comes, not from a lack of grief, but from the knowledge that every hurt, every difficulty, every minute of every trial will be completely worth it in the end. And not only worth it, but it will pale in comparison with the joy that is to come.

My Three Gifts

I have three daughters. Three precious, adorable, funny, loving, infuriating daughters. And there are times I think I've lost all sense of myself at this time in my life. I often feel I only exist to sustain my daughters. To clothe them, to discipline them, to teach them, to feed them, to play with them, to clean them, and to protect them. They are always with me. Constantly. Sure, there are the occasional date nights, but for the most part they are by my side. And while I feel it cliche to monopolize my blog with stories of my kids, my kids are what I know. They are what I can write pages and pages about.

So this blog post is about them, and dedicated to them.

My oldest daughter is 5 years old. She fancies herself a princess. She loves to dress up in fancy clothes and wear gaudy jewelry. She has an imaginary friend named David. He is not just any David. He is King David. The one who killed Goliath. She will talk to him, laugh with him, call him on the phone, chide him, and tell him about her day.

She loves Jesus. I know I can't know for sure that she is a true believer at the age of five, but still, I can't help but see her love for God grow each day.

She has a mind that has trouble focusing at times, and at times it is too focused.

She wears each emotion she feels prominently on her sleeve. I never have to guess how she is feeling. If she is happy, she will laugh and squeal in unabashed delight. If she is upset she will cry loudly. If she is angry she will pout, if she is bored she will sigh dramatically. When she is watching a movie you can tell what is happening in the movie simply by watching her expressions. Her fear, her sadness, her delight at what is happening is written plainly on her face.

She has high expectations of herself, and gets frustrated when she doesn't meet those expectations. She cries when she doesn't get all her spelling words correct, and throws her arms around me in utter relief when she does get them all correct. The other night she knocked over her plate when she was eating. Minutes later she did it again and exclaimed in despair "Why do I keep spilling!?"

My second daughter is almost 4 years old. She is very different from my oldest. She is quieter. She is more subdued. I can't tell what she's thinking or feeling just by looking at her. She had strep throat for over a week one time before I finally took her to the doctor. When they said "strep" I said that was impossible. The child had never once complained of a sore throat. The only reason I took her in was because she was acting more tired than usual.

She will be persuaded on many occasions to join her older sister in her imaginative play, but if left to herself you will find her doing a puzzle over and over, or looking at books.

She tries to hide it, but she wants very much to be like her older sister. And yet there is another side of her that wants desperately to be independent--separate--from her sister. I know exactly how she feels. She is probably the child I identify with the most. Conflicting emotions seem to be the norm for a middle child. She will go along with a rule or with one of her older sister's ideas for days on end with no hint of rebellion and then one day she will decide she's not going to do it and dig her feet in and not give up. This sort of behavior leaves her sister and her father bewildered, but I get it. I understand what's going on in her head and with her emotions. She wants to fit in. She wants to be led. She wants to please people, but there are times when she wonders who she is and decides to be different--to stand out--if only for a moment. I often tell her she is the only one of the three that has an older sister AND a younger sister, and so she is special. This makes her smile and hold her head a little higher. Heaven help me if we have another baby and I can't use that line anymore.

My third daughter is a year and a half. She is constantly happy as long as A. Mommy is nearby and B. Mommy is not on the phone. She loves to make people laugh and is always making sure people are watching her. She will not go unnoticed. As long as I am in the vicinity she will walk all over a room of strangers, going up to them and smiling at them with a big goofy grin until they notice her and smile back. She loves to be cuddled and will never turn down a hug. Her favorite thing to do is to nestle in my arms and have me sing to her.

She knows she is not allowed to touch my computer, but I will often find her with her hands hovering over the keyboard--as close as she can get them without actually touching it.

She will babble unintelligibly to me, and seems to really know what she is saying, and really believe that I know what she is saying, too.

No matter what you ask her she will always respond "yeah." The only time she says "no" is if she is prompted.

She is probably my most easy-going child, and doesn't show many of the signs of stubbornness that her older sisters showed at an early age. Sometimes she will flash me the cheesiest grin as if to say "it's all good."

I find so much joy in being a Mommy to these three little girls. Each one unique and each one a gift from God. I find it hard to believe that He has entrusted me and my husband with such special kids.

Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream

While I'd like to say that my faith in Christ and His overwhelming goodness to me is what always gets me through the day, I would not be truthful. There are some days when I lose sight of the big picture and the only thing going through my mind is "when I get these kids to bed I'm going to have a big bowl of Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream."

I had that thought many times today, since I went to the grocery store last night and bought some Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream. By the way, I'm convinced that the more words there are in the title of an ice cream flavor, the better. As I was saying, though, I thought about that container of ice cream over and over today. I thought about it when one of my sweet princesses was jumping on the back of another sweet princess. When I confronted princess number 1 about her actions she said, "But, Mom, I NEED to do this." I should have told her I NEEDED some Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream RIGHT NOW, but we don't always get what we want.

I thought about that ice cream when I was spooning Sloppy Joes out of the crockpot into a serving dish, and dropped the serving dish into the crockpot, spewing hot tomato sauce all over the kitchen and myself.

I thought about that ice cream when Princess number 2 decided I was terribly unfair for serving her potatoes at dinner. The nerve. Didn't I know that potatoes were the bane of her existence? Didn't I know she was a PRINCESS?

I thought about that ice cream as I was cleaning up Princess 3 after dinner. Believe me, 17 month olds bring new meaning to the term "Sloppy Joes."

I thought about that ice cream when my husband reminded me he'd be going to bed at 8 since he had to get up at 1 a.m., which of course meant that I'd be flying solo on dish duty, bath time, story time, and bedtime.

There was some yelling, some crying, some tantrums, some bad attitudes, but after I got control of myself, I got the kids tucked into bed. I hoped they didn't notice I was in a hurry when I was saying goodnight. I hoped Princess 1 didn't come up with any deep theological questions that I could not leave unanswered. (She tends to do that.)

But finally it was all done (except the dishes, but I think I still have a few clean ones left so there's no rush). Finally I sat down with my Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream. Believe me, it was GOOD. I savored each bite.

And now as I sit here in my quiet house with an empty ice cream bowl, feeling chubby and full, there is only one thing on my mind....
"I can't wait until I get the kids in bed tomorrow night so I can have another bowl of Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream."

I Am Faithful to All My Children

Somewhat recently God has been teaching me what it means to trust him and not to fear. Mostly it was after my first daughter was born that he drove this lesson home. It's so easy to fall into a trap of fretting over what could happen when you have children. I knew then what people meant when they used that corny expression that having kids was like having your heart walk around outside of your body. It is corny, but the meaning is true. You feel like your kids are a part of you and that it would just rip your heart out if anything happened to them. To some extent, I think I have learned the lesson. My thoughts of my children are not monopolized by fears and worries. I've said to God "they are your's, Lord." I have rested in his promise that he is in control, and not just that he can prevent the bad stuff from happening, but that even when the bad stuff does happen he is still trustworthy and loving and kind and gentle and sovereign and good.

But then a good friend of mine had a baby--a little boy they named Malachi. He was born with severe defects, and will require multiple surgeries before she can even take him home. It's going to be a long and exhausting road for her and her husband, both emotionally and physically. And what did I start to do? I fretted. I worried about my dear friend and how she would be able handle this.

I received an email update from this friend this morning. Here is a portion of it:

Some would say why us? We, too, ask "Why us?" but not in the way that you might be expecting. "Why have we been chosen and blessed with this opportunity?" To that, we can only praise Him and do our best through Christ's power to raise and care for Mr. Malachi. To God alone be the glory.

I read that and in my heart it was as if God was saying "See? I am faithful to all my children." And I realized I hadn't learned the lesson. Perhaps I had learned to place my own fear and pain into God's hands, but I wasn't trusting that the same God that I had put my faith in was the same God who would give my friend strength and peace and hope and grace and courage for each trial. I think I actually had the thought that God wasn't supposed to be doing this to them. He should have done it to me, because he had taught me how to handle it. Why did I think that he didn't also teach them how to handle it? I needed to learn that not only is my life in God's hands, but the lives of all his people. And as Paul says, nothing will be able to separate us from his love in Christ Jesus. He is accomplishing his purpose, not just in my life, but in all the lives in his church. He is preparing his bride for glory.

Why Are You Downcast, Oh My Soul?

Why are you downcast, oh my soul?

Did you think gold could fill your heart?

That earth's stuff could make you whole?

Now you watch as it falls apart.

It's better you should find out now

That all your efforts were in vain

Do not cry or weep your loss

Losing this world is only gain.

For when you find that nothing here

Can offer that for which you seek

Cast your all on God alone

Come worn, come weary, humble, weak.

Leave the worldly things behind

Fall down at your Savior's feet

Know the hope that He provides

From His table, come and eat.

~Psalm 42:11

"Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Lift Our Eyes

At times this world is all we see

Our pain, our sin, our darkest night

We turn away in weakness then

Give up the righteous fight

Lord give us grace to understand

The depths of mercy You've poured out

Please give us wisdom, give us faith

Remove our fear and doubt

God, lift our eyes off of ourselves

Cause us to look above

To see You on Your sovereign throne

And know Your wondrous love.

Someday we'll see Your face, we know

And touch the scars in Jesus' hands

We'll know Your glory, feel Your peace

See grace in all Your plans

Our blessed hope, that day will come

Our faith will turn to sight

Our guilt, our sin will pass away

All wrong will be made right.

God lift our eyes off of ourselves

Cause us to look above

To see You on Your sovereign throne

And know Your wondrous love.