My Three Gifts

I have three daughters. Three precious, adorable, funny, loving, infuriating daughters. And there are times I think I've lost all sense of myself at this time in my life. I often feel I only exist to sustain my daughters. To clothe them, to discipline them, to teach them, to feed them, to play with them, to clean them, and to protect them. They are always with me. Constantly. Sure, there are the occasional date nights, but for the most part they are by my side. And while I feel it cliche to monopolize my blog with stories of my kids, my kids are what I know. They are what I can write pages and pages about.

So this blog post is about them, and dedicated to them.

My oldest daughter is 5 years old. She fancies herself a princess. She loves to dress up in fancy clothes and wear gaudy jewelry. She has an imaginary friend named David. He is not just any David. He is King David. The one who killed Goliath. She will talk to him, laugh with him, call him on the phone, chide him, and tell him about her day.

She loves Jesus. I know I can't know for sure that she is a true believer at the age of five, but still, I can't help but see her love for God grow each day.

She has a mind that has trouble focusing at times, and at times it is too focused.

She wears each emotion she feels prominently on her sleeve. I never have to guess how she is feeling. If she is happy, she will laugh and squeal in unabashed delight. If she is upset she will cry loudly. If she is angry she will pout, if she is bored she will sigh dramatically. When she is watching a movie you can tell what is happening in the movie simply by watching her expressions. Her fear, her sadness, her delight at what is happening is written plainly on her face.

She has high expectations of herself, and gets frustrated when she doesn't meet those expectations. She cries when she doesn't get all her spelling words correct, and throws her arms around me in utter relief when she does get them all correct. The other night she knocked over her plate when she was eating. Minutes later she did it again and exclaimed in despair "Why do I keep spilling!?"

My second daughter is almost 4 years old. She is very different from my oldest. She is quieter. She is more subdued. I can't tell what she's thinking or feeling just by looking at her. She had strep throat for over a week one time before I finally took her to the doctor. When they said "strep" I said that was impossible. The child had never once complained of a sore throat. The only reason I took her in was because she was acting more tired than usual.

She will be persuaded on many occasions to join her older sister in her imaginative play, but if left to herself you will find her doing a puzzle over and over, or looking at books.

She tries to hide it, but she wants very much to be like her older sister. And yet there is another side of her that wants desperately to be independent--separate--from her sister. I know exactly how she feels. She is probably the child I identify with the most. Conflicting emotions seem to be the norm for a middle child. She will go along with a rule or with one of her older sister's ideas for days on end with no hint of rebellion and then one day she will decide she's not going to do it and dig her feet in and not give up. This sort of behavior leaves her sister and her father bewildered, but I get it. I understand what's going on in her head and with her emotions. She wants to fit in. She wants to be led. She wants to please people, but there are times when she wonders who she is and decides to be different--to stand out--if only for a moment. I often tell her she is the only one of the three that has an older sister AND a younger sister, and so she is special. This makes her smile and hold her head a little higher. Heaven help me if we have another baby and I can't use that line anymore.

My third daughter is a year and a half. She is constantly happy as long as A. Mommy is nearby and B. Mommy is not on the phone. She loves to make people laugh and is always making sure people are watching her. She will not go unnoticed. As long as I am in the vicinity she will walk all over a room of strangers, going up to them and smiling at them with a big goofy grin until they notice her and smile back. She loves to be cuddled and will never turn down a hug. Her favorite thing to do is to nestle in my arms and have me sing to her.

She knows she is not allowed to touch my computer, but I will often find her with her hands hovering over the keyboard--as close as she can get them without actually touching it.

She will babble unintelligibly to me, and seems to really know what she is saying, and really believe that I know what she is saying, too.

No matter what you ask her she will always respond "yeah." The only time she says "no" is if she is prompted.

She is probably my most easy-going child, and doesn't show many of the signs of stubbornness that her older sisters showed at an early age. Sometimes she will flash me the cheesiest grin as if to say "it's all good."

I find so much joy in being a Mommy to these three little girls. Each one unique and each one a gift from God. I find it hard to believe that He has entrusted me and my husband with such special kids.

Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream

While I'd like to say that my faith in Christ and His overwhelming goodness to me is what always gets me through the day, I would not be truthful. There are some days when I lose sight of the big picture and the only thing going through my mind is "when I get these kids to bed I'm going to have a big bowl of Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream."

I had that thought many times today, since I went to the grocery store last night and bought some Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream. By the way, I'm convinced that the more words there are in the title of an ice cream flavor, the better. As I was saying, though, I thought about that container of ice cream over and over today. I thought about it when one of my sweet princesses was jumping on the back of another sweet princess. When I confronted princess number 1 about her actions she said, "But, Mom, I NEED to do this." I should have told her I NEEDED some Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream RIGHT NOW, but we don't always get what we want.

I thought about that ice cream when I was spooning Sloppy Joes out of the crockpot into a serving dish, and dropped the serving dish into the crockpot, spewing hot tomato sauce all over the kitchen and myself.

I thought about that ice cream when Princess number 2 decided I was terribly unfair for serving her potatoes at dinner. The nerve. Didn't I know that potatoes were the bane of her existence? Didn't I know she was a PRINCESS?

I thought about that ice cream as I was cleaning up Princess 3 after dinner. Believe me, 17 month olds bring new meaning to the term "Sloppy Joes."

I thought about that ice cream when my husband reminded me he'd be going to bed at 8 since he had to get up at 1 a.m., which of course meant that I'd be flying solo on dish duty, bath time, story time, and bedtime.

There was some yelling, some crying, some tantrums, some bad attitudes, but after I got control of myself, I got the kids tucked into bed. I hoped they didn't notice I was in a hurry when I was saying goodnight. I hoped Princess 1 didn't come up with any deep theological questions that I could not leave unanswered. (She tends to do that.)

But finally it was all done (except the dishes, but I think I still have a few clean ones left so there's no rush). Finally I sat down with my Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream. Believe me, it was GOOD. I savored each bite.

And now as I sit here in my quiet house with an empty ice cream bowl, feeling chubby and full, there is only one thing on my mind....
"I can't wait until I get the kids in bed tomorrow night so I can have another bowl of Brownie Mud Pie Overload Ice Cream."

I Am Faithful to All My Children

Somewhat recently God has been teaching me what it means to trust him and not to fear. Mostly it was after my first daughter was born that he drove this lesson home. It's so easy to fall into a trap of fretting over what could happen when you have children. I knew then what people meant when they used that corny expression that having kids was like having your heart walk around outside of your body. It is corny, but the meaning is true. You feel like your kids are a part of you and that it would just rip your heart out if anything happened to them. To some extent, I think I have learned the lesson. My thoughts of my children are not monopolized by fears and worries. I've said to God "they are your's, Lord." I have rested in his promise that he is in control, and not just that he can prevent the bad stuff from happening, but that even when the bad stuff does happen he is still trustworthy and loving and kind and gentle and sovereign and good.

But then a good friend of mine had a baby--a little boy they named Malachi. He was born with severe defects, and will require multiple surgeries before she can even take him home. It's going to be a long and exhausting road for her and her husband, both emotionally and physically. And what did I start to do? I fretted. I worried about my dear friend and how she would be able handle this.

I received an email update from this friend this morning. Here is a portion of it:

Some would say why us? We, too, ask "Why us?" but not in the way that you might be expecting. "Why have we been chosen and blessed with this opportunity?" To that, we can only praise Him and do our best through Christ's power to raise and care for Mr. Malachi. To God alone be the glory.

I read that and in my heart it was as if God was saying "See? I am faithful to all my children." And I realized I hadn't learned the lesson. Perhaps I had learned to place my own fear and pain into God's hands, but I wasn't trusting that the same God that I had put my faith in was the same God who would give my friend strength and peace and hope and grace and courage for each trial. I think I actually had the thought that God wasn't supposed to be doing this to them. He should have done it to me, because he had taught me how to handle it. Why did I think that he didn't also teach them how to handle it? I needed to learn that not only is my life in God's hands, but the lives of all his people. And as Paul says, nothing will be able to separate us from his love in Christ Jesus. He is accomplishing his purpose, not just in my life, but in all the lives in his church. He is preparing his bride for glory.

Why Are You Downcast, Oh My Soul?

Why are you downcast, oh my soul?

Did you think gold could fill your heart?

That earth's stuff could make you whole?

Now you watch as it falls apart.

It's better you should find out now

That all your efforts were in vain

Do not cry or weep your loss

Losing this world is only gain.

For when you find that nothing here

Can offer that for which you seek

Cast your all on God alone

Come worn, come weary, humble, weak.

Leave the worldly things behind

Fall down at your Savior's feet

Know the hope that He provides

From His table, come and eat.

~Psalm 42:11

"Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Lift Our Eyes

At times this world is all we see

Our pain, our sin, our darkest night

We turn away in weakness then

Give up the righteous fight

Lord give us grace to understand

The depths of mercy You've poured out

Please give us wisdom, give us faith

Remove our fear and doubt

God, lift our eyes off of ourselves

Cause us to look above

To see You on Your sovereign throne

And know Your wondrous love.

Someday we'll see Your face, we know

And touch the scars in Jesus' hands

We'll know Your glory, feel Your peace

See grace in all Your plans

Our blessed hope, that day will come

Our faith will turn to sight

Our guilt, our sin will pass away

All wrong will be made right.

God lift our eyes off of ourselves

Cause us to look above

To see You on Your sovereign throne

And know Your wondrous love.

Riches in Heaven

I have a friend who is very bitter towards God. He may not admit it, but it is obviously so. Why is he bitter? Because he looks at the blessings which God has given others and cannot understand why God would not also give him those same blessings.

I admit this friend's life is tough. There are a lot of blessings that most of us possess that he has never experienced. To say it is all his own fault is to turn a blind eye to one's own sinfulness. None of us deserve these blessings, but they have been given to us anyway.

So why has this friend not been blessed in ways that most of us have been? I have no answer for that.

But I do know people who's struggles have far outweighed his own, and yet they did not become bitter. Besides the obvious person from the Bible (Job) I have known people personally. I have known people who have lost friends, jobs, spouses, children. People who have served the Lord in full time ministry their entire lives, and have also struggled financially their whole lives because of it. People who have had their own health taken from them, and yet still cling to God's promises. What do they understand that this other friend does not seem to?

I believe it can be boiled down to one thing--they understand that this world is fleeting. They have little desire for the things of this earth. They know that to compare our earthly blessings is meaningless. Why squabble over how many pennies we each have when we stand to inherit the riches of heaven?

When we see glory it will no longer matter who had the nicer house, or the most friends, or who was healthier, who had the best spouse or the smartest children. It will not matter who had the more fulfilling job, or who got to travel the world, or who had the most money in his retirement fund. To those of us who believe, every desire of our hearts will be satisfied. The married person and the single person will both experience love to the fullest, the wealthy person and the poor person will both walk the streets of gold, the sick person and the healthy person will be made whole. The differences we had on earth will amount to practically nothing.

And perhaps it is those believers who seemingly have been blessed so little on earth who actually have a unique blessing. For if, as John Piper says, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him," then who among us stands to glorify God the most with their lives? I would say it is those of us who seemingly have nothing BUT God.

So I would say to this friend, and to you all, and to myself--do not get caught up in comparison. Do not look at what you have; do not look at what others have. Focus your eyes on heaven. Whether we have a lot, or whether we have a little, it should not keep us from looking above. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33 (ESV).

Blessed Hope

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this, but I often have moments as a believer in Christ when the muddy water seems to clear up significantly, and I see things I've never seen before. Such was the case when I read the book "A Journey Worth Taking" by Charles D. Drew. The basic truths in it were not so different from what I've always believed and been taught, but the way they were presented was, shall I say, life changing for me.

The book offers a fresh perspective on finding purpose in life--for the believer. I am not going to go into everything the book says in this post (but I do highly recommend it). I'd just like to share one section.

"Many things now stand in the way of the full satisfying expression of our God-given gifts and motivations. Much in our fallen world inhibits our development as people. We rightly care for people in need (the poor, our children, aging parents), but this can often be at enormous cost in time and energy--resources that might otherwise be spent discovering and developing our particular gifts. Inner struggles can paralyze us. Oppressive parents, friends, or governments shut down much of our creative effort. But that is OK. A better and infinitely more satisfying day is coming just around the corner. We can afford to be patient."

For this often lonely and frustrated stay-at-home mom, those words were very refreshing. The days upon days where it seems the only thing I manage to do is take care of my children's physical needs is not a waste of time, nor is it all there is. We all tend to get caught up in trying to reach full satisfaction in this world--even we Christians. And when we realize how elusive that satisfaction is we can get discouraged. But we need not be discouraged. When we reach heaven none of that will matter, for it is in heaven, and only in heaven, that all our desires will be satisfied. What a blessed hope!

"We are reaching for the future

We are reaching for the past

And no matter what we have, we reach for more.

We are desperate to discover

What is just beyond our grasp

Maybe that's what heaven is for...."

--Carolyn Arends